Dear future first dates,
Guys- you will be 86ed in a hot minute for the following. Sagging pants, sandals with socks on, white shirts with yellow pit stains, basketball jersys without undershits, gaudy jewelry, too many buttons undone on a button up, starter jackets, and skinny jeans. If you shave your legs or arms for any reason other than being a professional fighter or swimmer you need not apply. Really messed up teefers, body odor, too much cologne. please do not have poop on your shoes either.Hands that look prettier and more manicured than my own, wearing make up, pinky rings.... When it comes to conversation please think before you speak. If you thought for a minute that there was a spark between us, that doesnt mean you should get over zealous about telling me about your secret Lego obsession, how you like to color in coloring books, that you took dance as a child or that you cant wait to go see the newest Twilight movie..somethings should just wait to be talked about. Trust me, i will hold off on telling you that i am a professional kitchen dancer or that i like to eat chocolate with my fried chicken or that sometimes i dream of being a dinosaur. These are things i will spare from you til at least our third date! You also probably should hold off on any topic that might make you cry and/or punch something. this may include but is not limited to: an ex, the loss or disappearance of a family member, politics, religion and childhood obesity. Please do not show up at my house in a car that has been overly pimped out and/or with the bass pumping. I stopped thinking this car phase was cool shortly after the release of the second Fast and the Furious movie (I didnt love the movie Tyrese, but i still love you!) With that said, however... a working vehicle of any sort is better than a car that has a bad break system. Or that is being held togehter by duct tape. Also, if you are not capable of paying your utility bills please do not invite me over for dinner if the lights are going to go out. Consequently do not be surprised when i stop calling you because of it. I know that kind of stuff happens but if you are not going to own up to it or be funny about it, its not cool and makes me question your capability of living as an adult! Dont hold my hand during the movie on the first date. Dont be super cheesy either. Girls might be more romantic than most guys but were not 5 either. There is a large majority of us that think pookey bear is not an appropriate nickname espcially on teh first date and if alcohol is not involved. On the other hand, while its nice to be a gentleman sometimes girls want the rough around the edges guy. Dont be a dick but if you think there is something there damnit go in for that kiss at the end of the date, make a move! Let me be clear, whatever girl put it in your head that women dont like to kiss on the first date only said that because she didnt like you. If were into you were gonna want to kiss you. DUH!
Lastly and most importantly, do not date me if you have a girlfriend. Even if you are not sure about the girl you have been seeing that doesnt give you a right to hurt me and her at the same time. Dont be a jerk. Sure, this notion may have been hightened by reality tv addiction i.e. The Bachelorette, but Ali deserves better Justin and to-be-named-next-episode- guy. You two are jerks!
ok- well now that i probably wont ever have another first date again. have a good day! go suck on some lemons. the End.
Love, Me Mousepants!